The essential guide for anyone contemplating marriage

Are you thinking about marriage, but afraid of ending up in the divorce statistics? Are you wondering if you're ready and able to make a public, lifelong commitment? "Before You Say 'I Do'" recognises that marriage takes courage, energy and self-knowledge, and leads you through a series of key questions about your relationship to help you discover if you have what it takes to make your marriage a lifelong success. These include: What are your expectations of marriage? What does commitment mean to you? Can you be sexually compatible for a lifetime? Do you both want children? Drawing on the expertise of Relate counsellors, and supported by checklists, questionnaires and case histories, this book will help you to examine your hopes and fears about marriage. It will lead you to a deeper understanding of how your relationship works and ultimately give you the insight to build the bedrock of a marriage with real staying power.

Elizabeth Martyn is a relationships expert and author of Babyshock: Your Relationship Survival Guide, also part of the Relate series. She is agony aunt for mumsnet.com

Are you about to get married and hoping your happiness lasts? Relate have devised this simple tick-the-box quiz for couples preparing their Spring weddings to make sure married life is the best it can be.

Both partners should complete the quiz. Score each question from 1-5, where

1 = strongly agree 2 = agree 3 = unsure 4 = disagree 5 = strongly disagree

1. I have really high expectations of this relationship
2. We spend enough time together and enough time separately

3. My partner makes an effort to understand my viewpoint, even if we disagree
4. The marriage vows have real meaning for me
5. Our views of life are broadly similar
6. My family and friends think that my partner is right for me
7. There's nothing major that I'd like to change about my partner
8. I'm confident of avoiding the mistakes I've made in previous relationships
9. We're agreed on whether or not we want children
10. I often think lovingly about my partner when we're apart
11. We're not under pressure to marry from our families
12. I'm happy with the frequency and variety in our sex life
13. My partner often gives our relationship priority over other demands
14. Of all the relationships I've had, this is the best
15. I'm confident that my partner cares about me as much as I care about him/her
16. I don't have any worries about the way my partner handles money
17. I'm content with the way my partner shows their feelings towards me
18. I have no serious misgivings about marrying my partner
19. I respect my partner a great deal and know I can trust him/her completely
20. We're good at sorting out our differences fairly
21. It will be easy to stay faithful to my partner
22. We have no serious conflicts which feel like a threat to our future
23. We're recognise the importance of talking about our feelings, and can do so openly
24. We have the balance between work and the rest of life about right
25. We'll cope well together with any crisis life throws at us

How you scored

Low scores overall indicate a high level of commitment, compatibility and readiness for marriage. High scores on questions 4, 15 and 19 could point out some important areas for attention, and look out for answers where there is a big difference between your scores.

25-60 You're going into marriage with similar attitudes and high expectations, which gets you off to an excellent start. You've thought about your long-term future and know where problems could arise, and you're well prepared to tackle difficulties and worries together.

61-85 Some uncertainty may underly your relationship. Look at areas where you've marked a high score and consider how you can work on these potential problem areas together.

86-125 A high score indicates that you may be unhappy about various aspects of your relationship. Think about ways that you can improve on these problem areas with your partner, attending counselling may help you explore issues together.

2003-06-07 guide to couple relationships

If you are thinking about marriage, or struggling within a relationship, this book is an easy-to-read guide to the ups and downs of couple relationships.

Elizabeth Martyn draws on the experience of Relate counsellors to illustrate the possible sticking points for couples, and suggests alternative ways to cope with money problems, sexual incompatibility, to accept changes, and more.

There are check lists so you can find out - if you are honest - whether you spend enough time with each other, how work affects your relationship, what's really important in your lives, and whether infidelity would be a serious threat to your marriage. The format of the book makes it easy to dip into any area which is causing you or your partner concern.